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internetjesus

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But every now and then I feel so insecure.

I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Created on 2005-11-11 23:24:22 (#8775238), last updated 2009-11-16

2,500 comments received, 3,523 comments posted

Basic Account [Gift]

1,263 Journal Entries, 79 Tags, 0 Memories, 0 Virtual Gifts, 1 Userpic

Basic Info

Name:	Internet Jesus
Website:	Internet Jesus' Yelling Blog of Quality

Bio

The Internet, she is a cruel mistress, much like the Patagonian Love Monkey of zoosexual legend and ill repute. But I place her upon my hand, up to the knuckle, and spin her, spin her for my amusement.

For I am a jealous and terrible God -- a three-faced god, like Trimurti, Lugh, or one of the ones off Star Trek. I am Evil Oppressive Patriarch, and yet also Big Insane Bastard With A Computer. But most importantly, I am Internet Jesus, and this is my Sermon:

In the warm, musky twilights of far-off Malaysia, the kingfishers and bee-eaters give way to nightjars and owls, and the fireflies, or "kelip-kelip" as they are locally known, put on a dazzling light show. Thousands of these insects commence their fluorescent display, flashing on and off two or three times a second, some stationary, others circling around. In some trees a whole colony of fireflies will flash in absolute unison, hour after hour, in the manner of the lights on a Christmas tree. Male and female fireflies are both able to flash, but only the males flash in unison; the synchronized display serves to attract a mate. It is a vast conversation of light, powered by a controlled chemical reaction that takes place inside the light-producing organs on the underside of the abdomen.

It is darkening now, here in Offensively Warm California. Chemicals surge down into my light-producing organs, tightly controlled until I am suffused with the purity of illumination. Who will be hypnotised by my nocturnal display? Who will join my conversation of light?

The Ten Commandments of Internet Jesus
steal it without permission and die, fucker.

1. Thou shalt not fuck with Internet Jesus, lest thou face a horrible, burning, stinging wrath.

2. Thou shalt not have other Internet Deities before me, for I am a jealous Internet Deity, and I shall insult you thoroughly until you cry like a little girl.

3. Do not take Internet Jesus' name in Vain. I bet you think this list is about you.

4. Thou shalt honor your mother and your father, unless they molested you or failed to raise you properly, in which case, kick your father in the gonads and go into therapy.

5. Thou shalt not murder, unless you do it in my name. You may proclaim it then.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Especially against me. Fucker.

7. Thou shalt not steal. Only I may steal. I am untouchable, you useless whores.

8. Remember my Birthday and keep it Holy, you idiots who forget my birthday. I know where you live.

9. Thou shalt not lie to me. I know when you're lying. I have a massive brain that knows things.

10. Thou shalt not start horrible Intarwubs drama with me. I shall insult you and then ignore you while you cry in a fetal position at the foot of your desk, wondering why I have forsaken you.